me me me

Normally I try not to write about ME.  Let's do it.  I wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy... sorry, I just heard that song on the drive home.  My new favorite song is by Blake "the hottie" Shelton.  That man can eat crackers in my bed!  Miranda, you are one lucky lady.  Oh, I got so caught up in Blake that I forgot to tell you what song.  WHO ARE YOU WHEN I'M NOT LOOKIN.  That song reminds me of ME.  But, I am that person when they are looking.  First of all I do not have a big head.  I would never tell myself I am good-looking.  Remember that Blake is telling me this.

My oh my, you're so good-looking
Hold yourself together like a pair of bookends
But I've not tasted all your cooking
Who are you when I'm not looking?

I am held together with a pair of bookends.  That is how I stand every day.  Life is not easy nor does it come with instructions.  I wouldn't read them if it did.  I always have pieces left over.  My thinking... if it falls I will pick it up and put it back together. Maybe then those pieces will be used.  Kinda like life.  If you are down there is nowhere to go but up.

About my cooking.  I am sure some people feed it to the dog when I am not looking.  Take that Blake.  There is a new line for your song.  When Ron and I first met I cooked him dinner.  Spaghetti.  Who could screw that up?  Me.  He had to go somewhere and his friend Greg stayed behind to make sure their apartment would not burn down.  At first I thought how rude.  Then I quickly realized that was probably smart of them.  So, I get the noodles goin.  Here is where it all went down hill.  I thought, I am going to impress him and make the sauce from scratch.  BIG MISTAKE!  Big huge mistake!  {threw a little Pretty Woman in there}  I get tomato paste and put it in a pan to cook or whatever it is supposed to do.  Thought to myself ewwww that is thick.  Hmmm, let's add milk to it.  It didn't look right.  I wasn't going to taste it.  I don't trust myself.  Dinner is done.  I serve it up.  Those two boys were in pain.  We ended up at the China Buffet.  I will say that I have improved and I can cook and it won't make you sick.  It may be burnt but at least you know it is done.  Plus you can scrape off some of the black. 

Do you pour a little something on the rocks?
Slide down the hallway in your socks?
When you undress, do you leave a path?
Then sink to your nose in a bubble bath?

I love me some margaritas.  And wine.  Wine makes me feel pretty and smart.  You get to hold a fancy cup and drink with your pinky up.  Someone once told me... when in doubt, pinky out.  He also told me alot.  Learned that most of it was BS.  Ooops, got off track.  Back to ME.  Sometimes I just hold a glass of wine because you just feel better and it comes with an attitude.  Ladies, you know your head starts shakin when you talk and you put your other hand on your hip.  Yep, the power of wine.

I would slide down the hallway in my socks if I had one.  Instead I sing in the shower.  It doesn't end there.  I turn the radio on and you got it...sing and dance.  I sound like an animal crying for help.  My thought is... if I were good at it then I would be on the radio so why not give it what I got.  I dance like Elaine on Frasier.  I can dance.  Hello, I have my own dance called the Shower Dance.  My milkshake does bring all the boys to the yard.  I better stop there.

Who has time for a bubble bath when you have kids.  I can't even pee without being interupted.  If I did get to take a bubble bath I would smell like a 7 year old.  That means I would have to borrow Ad's bubbles.   

I used to think that everything had to have a place.  Well, who gives a crap.  Life is meant to be messy.  I leave a path everywhere I go.  As soon as I get in the door it starts... you shed.  Kinda like your hair.  Just goes all over the place.

Do you break things when you get mad?
Eat a box of chocolates 'cause you're feelin' bad?
Do you paint your toes 'cause you bite your nails?
Call up momma when all else fails?

Yes, I break things.  Wouldn't you rather me break something or break you?  Only kidding.  I am a lover not a fighter.  I am my father made over so I may argue my case and think I am not wrong but I will not break things.  I will just challenge you to an indian leg wrestle.  It may break your leg but that is your fault.

I will eat a box of chocolates any day if I want.  Who needs an excuse.  That is why we exercise.  Heck, you only live once.

I don't paint my toes.  I let those sweet people do it.  You know the ones that talk crap about you in their language.  For the record... my first pedi was in 2010.  I have not been spoiled my whole life.  Just about a year now.  I bite my nails.  Nervous habit.  I would probably bite my toes too.  Yuck, I would not do that.  Mandy moment.

I call my mom to say Hi.  I am pretty good at dealing with my problems on my own.  Why waste peoples time.  My mom always said that I do what I want.  She also said that I always do the opposite of what I am told.  Once again I blame my father.  We are stubborn people.  I can say what I do is the right thing.  That is why I call myself.  As long as you don't answer yourself it's all good.

Who are you when I'm not around?
When the door is locked and the shades are down?
Do you listen to your music quietly?
And when it feels just right, are you thinkin' of me?

When my door is locked and the shades are down that is because there are crazies out there.  What I do in my house is what I do out of my house.  What you see is what you get. 

Nothing is quiet around here.  When it is something is wrong or Ad is doing something she is not supposed to be doing.

If you are lucky then I may just be thinking of you...
Blake, you said you wanted to know...

I love you Blake "the hottie" Shelton.  If you and Miranda don't work and I am still single then maybe we can work something out.  Maybe.